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young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming
wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months
later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no
easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The
following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a
little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible
in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of
pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in order to receive His grace and
blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one
for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them
and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability
and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to
realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of
time, it becomes necessary to renew one's intention often to remain on
the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.
Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and
sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to
their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one's spouse is
also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties
that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also
form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has
rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the
rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.
Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their
spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever,
plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns.
We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, created humans as
imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout
a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be
pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we
ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the
marriage.
Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should
be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses.
Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular
basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in
developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore
negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing
woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in
her which is pleasing." (Muslim)
Be Your Mate's Best Friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse.
This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and
upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse's likes and dislikes and
attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is
also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A
spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep
throughout life.
Spend Quality Time Together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together.
Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the
relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and
forget about working on one of the most important elements in life.
Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation
to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or
project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and
distractions should be kept to a minimum.
Express Feelings Often
This is probably a very "Western" concept and one that some people may
have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest
about one's feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of
communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought
to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The
rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a
major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The "silent
treatment" has never been the remedy for anything.
Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should
also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who
can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and
work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a
person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and
development in the marriage.
Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past
mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the
past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not
repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans,
we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be
given, but not in a harmful manner.
Surprise Each Other at Times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a
special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for
women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination
will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid
getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.
Have a Sense of Humour
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and
brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of
challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will
help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find
that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to
spending time with you because of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have
this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that
there will be a successful resolution.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.